Why Should I Wait
In September of 2023 our church’s student ministry was doing a small group series based on the theme “Why Should I …” The covered many subjects from relationships to Bible reading. But when it came to the conversation about a biblical perspective of sex, they invited me (as their lead pastor) to be a part of their small group conversation. Following is the transcript to how we opened the conversation …
What does the Bible say about premarital sex? While you won't find that specific phrase – “premarital sex” – used in the Bible, the Bible repeatedly talks about "sexual immorality" or "sexual sins." These references to sex are talking about any sexual activity outside of marriage, so if you're having sex without being married ... God wants you to stop.
(Hebrews 13:4, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, Colossians 3:5).
A study of the Scriptures shows there are only two types of sex: sacred and sinful. Sex within marriage is sacred, and that outside of marriage is considered sinful.
Occasionally, a teenager will ask me, “Why does the Bible not explicitly forbid premarital sexual relations?”
This question is asked because there is a fundamental misunderstanding about God’s design for sex. In the eyes of God, when a couple engages in sexual relations, they are either consummating their marriage or they are committing adultery.
The first mention of sex in the Bible is found in Genesis 4:1 where it says that Adam and Eve had sexual relations. This was the consummation of their marriage, and in this case, the Hebrew words used in the original writings mean that their souls were intertwined together. This means that sex is much more than a physical act; it is a spiritual and emotional event. Scientifically, we know this to be true. Studies show that there are chemical releases in the brain that change how we feel and respond to the person with whom we are engaging. Literally and figuratively, we become one with each other. This is what Jesus means when He says,
“‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together” (Matthew 19:5-6).
Another question that I am asked is, “If Adam and Eve didn’t have a wedding ceremony and sex was the consummation of their marriage, why do we have weddings?”
It is true for Adam and Eve that there were no cultural marriage ceremonies and no government institutions. For them, to engage in sexual relations was the consummation of their marriage. This has not changed, any time two virgins engage in sexual relations, whether there was a wedding ceremony or a license, in the eyes of God they are then married – they have been made one (Matthew 19:5-6). And, if after having sexual relations, they have sex with others, they are guilty of adultery (Exodus 20:14, seventh commandment).
Why then do we have wedding ceremonies? The primary importance of a wedding ceremony is that the couple makes a public commitment that they are consecrating themselves to each other as husband and wife. And a big part of that commitment is that they are forsaking all others.
Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:1-4 (NLT), Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations. But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.
In modern terms, Paul is saying, don’t have sex until you have committed to the roles of husband and wife.
Culturally, wedding ceremonies come in many different variations. Some are long, elaborate events, and others are short and sweet. Some are extremely expensive, and others take place at the courthouse. They can be on a beach, a boat, or a barn. That’s all up to the couple. Nevertheless, one thing that must remain is the public consecration to hold to each other as husband and wife and forsake all others.
We don’t know when people started having weddings or why. But we do know that they are recognized by God in both the Old and New Testaments. We know that Jesus attended and performed His first miracle at a wedding (John 2), which would not have happened if God was not for weddings. And we know that the Apostles taught that men and women should abstain from sex until they have made a public commitment to marriage. To that end, we see that a marriage ceremony is necessary before engaging in sex.
One more question that I’m sometimes asked is, “Is it necessary for a couple to secure a marriage license issued by the government?”
Yes, a marriage license is Biblically required because, as Christians, we are commanded to obey the laws of the land (Romans 13:1-7; 1 Peter 2:17). If the couple getting married lives where the government requires certain procedures and paperwork to be completed before a marriage is recognized, then they should submit to that process. It is definitely biblical for a couple to submit to the government as long as the requirements do not contradict the Word of God.
To that end, even though the Bible never specifically mentions premarital sex, it is clear in the Scriptures that sex is either sacred or sinful. It is sacred when the couple chooses to wait until they have made a public commitment before their community, and they have obeyed the laws of their land. It is sinful when a couple chooses to ignore these truths and carelessly engages in sex.
The Bible doesn’t use the phrase “premarital sex”, but one would be mistaken to assume the Scriptures do not forbid the idea of premarital sex.
If you are a virgin, I challenge you to make the commitment to remain a virgin until you are married. You may not yet know who you will marry, but making the commitment to wait is one of the greatest gifts you can give to them.
If you are no longer a virgin, I challenge you to make the commitment to, from this point forward, wait until you are married to again engage in sex. And you too will be giving your future spouse a beautiful gift.
If you were in a situation where you were forced to engage in sex, you should not feel any condemnation whatsoever. The purpose of this lesson is to help us choose God’s way over our own, and it is not meant to condemn anyone who may have been sexually abused.
Following are Biblical reasons that make it clear that premarital sex is a sin;
The Bible repeatedly differentiates between sacred sex and sinful sex.
Sacred sex is that which is between a husband and wife.
Sinful sex is labeled as adultery or fornication.
2. In the Old Testament …
Genesis 2:24 (NLT) says, “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” In this verse we see the first mention of marriage and that it is tied to a covenant of becoming one. Jesus references this in Mark 10:6-9.
In Genesis 4:1, God ties sacred sexual relations to marriage and sinful sexual relations as being immoral.
Exodus 22:16-17 says that if a man were to have sexual relations with a virgin, he was required to marry her and pay a fine to her father (there were consequences).
Numbers 25 says that God’s judgment blazed against some Israelite men because they defiled themselves by having sexual relations with women who were not their wives (24,000 people died).
Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed because of sexual immorality (Genesis 19).
“The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD.” (Proverbs 18:22 NLT).
There are many other commands and stories conveying God’s opinion of sacred and/or sinful sex.
3. In the New Testament …
Jesus defines marriage as a couple that God has joined together (Mark 10:6-9).
Jesus lists “sexual immorality” with murder, stealing, and other sins (Matthew 15:19-20).
Jesus lists any sex outside of marriage as adultery (Mark 10:11-12). Therefore, premarital sex is a sin.
Paul differentiates between sacred sex and sinful sex.
Hebrews 13:14 commands us to honor the institution of marriage.
New Testament Scriptures about sexual immorality.
Matthew 15:19-20 (NLT)
19 For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander.
20 These are what defile you.
*Here Jesus clearly says that premarital sex defiles and hurts us.
1 Corinthians 6:13 (NLT)
13 You say, “Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food.” (This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them.) But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies.
1 Corinthians 6:18-20 (NLT)
18 Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body.
19 Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself,
20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.
*We honor God with our bodies by staying sexually pure.
1 Corinthians 7:1-2 (NLT)
1 Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations.
2 But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
1 Corinthians 10:8 (NLT)
8 And we must not engage in sexual immorality as some of them did, causing 23,000 of them to die in one day.
2 Corinthians 12:21 (NLT)
21 Yes, I am afraid that when I come again, God will humble me in your presence. And I will be grieved because many of you have not given up your old sins. You have not repented of your impurity, sexual immorality, and eagerness for lustful pleasure.
Galatians 5:19-21 (NLT)
19 When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures,
20 idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division,
21 envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
Ephesians 5:3 (NLT)
3 Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people.
Colossians 3:5 (NLT)
5 So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world.
1 Thessalonians 4:3 (NLT)
3 God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin.
Hebrews 13:4 (NLT)
4 Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.
Jude 1:7 (NLT)
7 And don’t forget Sodom and Gomorrah and their neighboring towns, which were filled with immorality and every kind of sexual perversion. Those cities were destroyed by fire and serve as a warning of the eternal fire of God’s judgment.
Revelation 21:8 (NLT)
8 “But cowards, unbelievers, the corrupt, murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice witchcraft, idol worshipers, and all liars—their fate is in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”